Him – I don’t know if this is still ur #, but if it is, I just wanted 2 say after all these years I never shoulda left.  Caught my wife commiting adultery 2day.  Im sorry 4 hurting u when I walked out.

 

Me – (Insert name here)?

 

Him – yup

 

Him – Sorry I bothered u so late

 

Me – No prob.  I’m awake.  So sorry that happened to you today.  Did it just happen?

 

Him – Been goin on since early jan.  Found out 4 sure 2day…Where has life lead you?

 

Me  – In (insert town here) still.  Looking for a new job—damn economy.  Ups and downs.

 

Him – Wow…I figured uwould long gone n far away.  Never 4got ur number.  Figured Id give it a shot.  Im still turning wrenches Im ashamed 2 say.  Put her thru school so she could grad n cheat with co worker.  Never went back myself.  Shop pays better than xray r emt.

 

Me – Never to late to leave—may be busting out of here this summer, depending on how things go.  Interviewing cities now.  I’m just over it.

 

Him – Haha.  No man 2 leave behind?  Where u hopin 2 go?

 

Me – Nah, he’s coming with me.  Thinking Dallas, Portland, Phoenix, maybe Charlotte.  Heard you have a couple adorable kids.

 

Him – (sent picture text)

 

Him – (sent picture text)

 

Him – Only things that keep me goin… How’s the fam?

 

Me – Oh you got to give me a minute.  iPhone doesn’t accept picture text.  Logging on to view.

 

Him – Ooooh, hi class with the iphone lol.  My bad.

 

Me – Your little man is the spitting image of you.  But I’m sure you hear that all the time!

 

Him – Yeah…has her eyes tho…(daughter) has mine.  I hope it isnt gonna start a mess with him by me textin u, i mean if u live 2gthr.  Not my intention at all.

 

Me – No, he’s cool.  We’re fine.  He’s at a friend’s house, I’ll tell him when he gets here.

 

Me – Oh, and the fam is good.  (Sister) graduated (finally) Mom and Dad still go on their mini-vacays to TB and Casinos.  LOL.

 

Him – Haha ok.  Felt bad 4 standing u up when I was in from iraq also…Just had 2 get that off chest also.  Im happy ur going well, and wish u the best with him.  (Son) has a rodeo 2mro and Im sure I wont sleep, but I should go lay down with him… It was great 2 talk 2 u

 

Him – Same old (Mom) and (Dad) huh, lol.  What (Sister) major?

 

Me – Accounting

 

Him – Whats her num?  I need mucho financial help lol J I’m happy 4 her

 

Him – I’m probably the last person u ever expected 2 get an 11pm text from on a big fri nite huh?  Figured ud b partying n wouldn’t even answer

 

Me – Last person I expected, yes.  Still can’t believe it.  And just not into Mardi Gras this year.  Money is too tight to go out.  Wine + Sofa = Friday night.

 

Him – U know me, never was much into it.  I love 2 bring (son) 2 the (town’s name) parade, tho, its real fam oriented…prob wont get 2 this year…sux 2 b me rite now…Im scheduled 4 another tour soon also.  Yay rite.

 

Me –  Again, sorry that you’re going through this now.  Any idea what’s going to happen or are you still too shell shocked?

 

Him – Cant c my attorney till monday.  Divorce.  I want custody.  Long story n wont put u thru it all but she even pawned my kids off 2 go f**k this guy.  Wont let her expose them 2 that.  She can have visitation without men present.

 

Me – Wow.  That’s horrible.  And you’re right, they don’t need that.  I’m sure though you’ll have a great support system in your family.

 

Him – Hers 2…They have border line disowned her n all agree that I should have (son) n (daughter).  Ima go lay down now tho.  Its been great 2 talk 2 u.  Whenever he gets home u tell him that sum1 who knows what he is talking about said he is a very lucky man…And if ever a day went by that u thought nobody thought about u, u were wrong.  Had to tell u I was sorry 2 b at peace with myself…Goodnight (Name)

 

Me –Goodnight (Name)  Let me know ifyou need anything in the days and weeks ahead, ok.

 

Him – And u the same.  Good luck with the job/career search.  Tell folks hi if they don’t resent me.  Ttyl. 

 

Me – That’s water under the bridge.  Sleep well.

 

                                                        February 2009

 

I’m not a princess. This ain’t a fairytale.

Because your crystal ball ain’t so crystal clear.

Beginning to think that I’m wasting time.

It’s your turn to take a seat we’re settling the final score.

We were both young when I first saw you.

Would have given you all of my heart,

Knock down walls for you.

You act like you never had love,

I’ve had enough of that little boy sandbox stuff.

This heart will start a riot in me.

I couldn’t make you love me.

I’m giving you more than fair warning,

So watch me strike a match on all my wasted time.

Things wouldn’t be so confused and I wouldn’t feel so used.

I keep waiting for you but you never come.

You’re gonna wish these days hadn’t gone by.

You know what’s been on my mind.

See somehow I can’t forget you.           

Trapped in the past for too long,           

I’m movin’ on.                          

                                    January 2009

No commentary today.  I can’t even believe what I just said myself. 

On a summer night, runnin’ all the red lights,

Don’t really tell the whole truth; it don’t show what’s deep inside.

I’ve done everything move on like I’m supposed to,

Your love is like a tidal wave,

Caught somewhere between a boy and man.

I’m still learning how to bend, how to let you in.

But I will never show the toll it’s taken.

Why weren’t we able, to see the signs that we missed?

Skin has gotten thicker but it burns the same.

There’s nothing like the warmth of the one who has put in the time.

I can’t outrun it, just keeps comin’…

                                           August 2008

 It burns when you touch it, you knew it was hot when you picked it up, and you went straight for it anyway, drawn to it.  The pain is sharp at first, then lingering to remind you of the danger.  Later, the scar serves as a more permanent symbol, but even that fades over time.  You know that it will be hot.  You know that it will burn.  And you go after it time and time again.  Why?  Because you hope that it will change.  Perhaps a pot on a hot stove will one day not burn your hand.

In my attempt to address what pains me tonight, I must liken it to a fresh burn, initially raw beneath the surface, but over time the new skin will emerge a little bit stronger, masking the scars that lie beneath.  Look closely, and it’s easy to see that it was there all along, feelings thinly veiled beneath a tough skin, but no match for a smoldering pot.

Who’s to say that I’m going to get burned?  Who’s to say that I’m going to pick up the pot?  I’m really close, though.

There’s something I just have to say.

Gonna tell the world, make it understand

There’s a place in my heart where nobody’s been

I’m unusually hard to hold on to

I’m gonna love myself more than anyone else

Anything less than the best is a felony.

                                  March 2008

One of the gal’s who sits on the Board of Directors with me has a daughter a few years younger than myself.  Through conversations thrice yearly at meetings, I’ve found that her daughter and I are quite similar:  Interior Designers, engaged young, but never made it down the aisle, and just recently learned, date rape drug victims.

Freshman year of college, having fun, partying, going to class when I woke up on time–away from home and parents for the first time.  The bar had two draws:  Penny Pitchers (it’s exactly how it sounds) and “What would you do for $100?”   He was an officer with Campus Police who patrolled outside my dorm; we became friendly during that semester.  Turns out, off duty he was anything but admirable.  I don’t remember too much other than being told I had won the contest, and later woke up in his dorm room-with a headache from hell and without the $100 or my watch.

Ever since that night I’ve been different.  It happened while I was engaged.  I could do nothing to stop it.  A gentle caress has never felt the same since–unwilling stomach spasms have taken it’s place.  I’ve reserved a little piece of myself since then, never fully divulging information to my friends, my family, or my significant others.  It’s been my cross to bear, but I can’t carry it any longer.  I am the most important person in my life.  I didn’t fully realize that until talking with my friend. Her daughter is going through now what I so well remember from 8 years ago.

Raw emotion, in my experiences, usually lead me to a sharp tongue and a few regrets.  While tact should be a virtue, sometimes all of us are a little too quick to mouth off and later are filled with intense remorse.  Notice that the last post’s lyrics were dated December 2007.  I keep a notebook filled with these musings, written in the heat of the moment, and posted on those random pages very shortly after.  It is in the explanations, however, where patience leads way to tact, and while the words are still biting and true, the event is far enough behind to write an honest reflection. 

I know that for a period of time there will be a dichotomy of the past and present, and it is in the translation of the events that I hope to have a clearer understanding of how the past has shaped the present.  Rather than spend hours or days regurgitating the events of ten years passed, I have chosen to reveal it in pieces that are pertinent to my present day activities.   I suppose that you’ve noticed that, though.

Wake on the shore of a distant land,

that is how I know you go on.

Don’t you worry about the distance,

ain’t doing her thang she used to do…

Back and forth and back and in between-

watch me prove you wrong today,

I don’t wanna be in love.

Oh, just watch me walk away.

December 2007

Evidently I’ve got a thing for military guys.  Something about brains and braun, I guess.  I was engaged to my high school sweetheart how joined the National Guard and then proposed marriage right before he left for an 18 month tour.  Don’t swoon just yet-it didn’t work out.  A couple years later I struck up a fling with a guy in Naval Intelligence, his home 1000 miles away.  Through emails, instant messaging, and text (with several phone calls and airplane tickets in between), we had a great go at it.  But 1000 miles and a promise ring is still too close for comfort and after a year I ran in the opposite direction.

Of course during the  down time were local guys, the doctor, the bodybuilder, and the coach.  Great men, but I follow a different definition of love: “Love is not because of, but in spite of.”   The reasons to stay in a relationship-the “because ofs”-are easy.  Of course I know WHY I like you, but what about the things that I don’t like-the ”in spite ofs.”  I usually can’t get over something about the guy, its these in spite ofs that I just can’t love.  So I don’t. 

I guess I thought that third time’s the charm because yet again, a Green Beret and a pseudo-relationship.  This one can still mess with my head a year later, with those texts and emails reminding me that he thinks of me often.  Thinks of me how, huh?  A great kiss, a fun date, or the one who’s always going to be hanging around?

 

I don’t ever want to feel like I did that day.
There are many things that I would like to say to you,
But I don’t know how.
So I try my best and pray to God.
I don’t know what they want from me.
Well if they’d free me from this prison,
All that I can say is that I’m here now.
Man I ain’t changed, but I know I ain’t the same.

 

May 2008

Appropriate introduction, I believe, for someone who isn’t completely sure how she got to where she is now, but she’s sure as hell that she isn’t going back!  Yet, for some reason actions are repeated, mistakes remade.  

The thoughts running through your head with the insistence that they be said.  Too little, too late?  Or a kick in the ass right when it’s needed most?  I promise you then that my ass is perpetually bruised.  NO! It’s going to be different this time, but it never really is, is it?  A year later you are no better off than you were in the previous.   Rinse and repeat. 

I’m going to be 27 three months from today.  In 6 weeks it will be just over 9 years since I accepted a marriage proposal, and 7 years since my supposed wedding date.  In 5 months it will be 6 years since the end of the relationship.  And in one year and three months I was supposed to be finished having my children.  All four of them.

Where I’m at today registers more cottonmouth than the usual word vomit.  Not quite single, but guarded.  Not quite happy with my job, but looking.  Not quite skinny, but exercising.   The path from there to here as been nothing of a straight line, for life can be just as redundant as the previous phrase.  Right now I’m just trying to keep my head above water.

Blogging has become a way for people to say whats on their mind…somewhat anonymously, right?  Hide behind the keyboard and just type away.  Free therapy, I say.  I’ve taken many an opportunity on other websites to vent–that neighbor with the devil dog who creeps me out, the ex-boyfriend who’s girlfriend calls me to inform ME that I was the “other woman” in their relationship, and even my well-publicized disdain for all things lovely on the 14th day of February.  I’ve also used blogging to mark the most momentous occasions–the unexpected bonus from a frequent client, the genuine happiness of a weekend spent with family, or the long overdue arrival of a Christmas present. 

What I have not managed to do very well is tackle a few of my own demons, one mainly that seems to shape nearly every day of my life.  I tell people, I know what my issues are, I know where they came from, but I don’t know what to do with it.  Even to tell the story of it’s roots has left me at a loss for words, unless I turn to someone, anyone else, for inspiration.  I find the solace in the lyrics of others, a string of a few words that leaves me saying-why couldn’t I have said it that way!  Classic case of running the situation over in your head for hours on end, coming up with alternate-better-ways to have handled it. 

So I’ve decided to handle it in my own way.  String together these random musings with the hope of getting my point across.  Use someone else’s words to say what it is that I want so badly to say for myself.  I’ve included these Random Lyrics somewhere else before, erasing each post to make room for the next.  Most don’t even realize that its my story, my deepest desires of the heart.  Those that do notice the correlation of one verse to the next, well I dedicate this to you.  Take this journey with me as I strive not to outrun, but to stop, reflect, and conquer.