Treading Water
I don’t ever want to feel like I did that day.
There are many things that I would like to say to you,
But I don’t know how.
So I try my best and pray to God.
I don’t know what they want from me.
Well if they’d free me from this prison,
All that I can say is that I’m here now.
Man I ain’t changed, but I know I ain’t the same. May 2008
Appropriate introduction, I believe, for someone who isn’t completely sure how she got to where she is now, but she’s sure as hell that she isn’t going back! Yet, for some reason actions are repeated, mistakes remade.
The thoughts running through your head with the insistence that they be said. Too little, too late? Or a kick in the ass right when it’s needed most? I promise you then that my ass is perpetually bruised. NO! It’s going to be different this time, but it never really is, is it? A year later you are no better off than you were in the previous. Rinse and repeat.
I’m going to be 27 three months from today. In 6 weeks it will be just over 9 years since I accepted a marriage proposal, and 7 years since my supposed wedding date. In 5 months it will be 6 years since the end of the relationship. And in one year and three months I was supposed to be finished having my children. All four of them.
Where I’m at today registers more cottonmouth than the usual word vomit. Not quite single, but guarded. Not quite happy with my job, but looking. Not quite skinny, but exercising. The path from there to here as been nothing of a straight line, for life can be just as redundant as the previous phrase. Right now I’m just trying to keep my head above water.
