Not so quick to the trigger
Raw emotion, in my experiences, usually lead me to a sharp tongue and a few regrets. While tact should be a virtue, sometimes all of us are a little too quick to mouth off and later are filled with intense remorse. Notice that the last post’s lyrics were dated December 2007. I keep a notebook filled with these musings, written in the heat of the moment, and posted on those random pages very shortly after. It is in the explanations, however, where patience leads way to tact, and while the words are still biting and true, the event is far enough behind to write an honest reflection.
I know that for a period of time there will be a dichotomy of the past and present, and it is in the translation of the events that I hope to have a clearer understanding of how the past has shaped the present. Rather than spend hours or days regurgitating the events of ten years passed, I have chosen to reveal it in pieces that are pertinent to my present day activities. I suppose that you’ve noticed that, though.
In spite of
Wake on the shore of a distant land,
that is how I know you go on.
Don’t you worry about the distance,
ain’t doing her thang she used to do…
Back and forth and back and in between-
watch me prove you wrong today,
I don’t wanna be in love.
Oh, just watch me walk away.
December 2007
Evidently I’ve got a thing for military guys. Something about brains and braun, I guess. I was engaged to my high school sweetheart how joined the National Guard and then proposed marriage right before he left for an 18 month tour. Don’t swoon just yet-it didn’t work out. A couple years later I struck up a fling with a guy in Naval Intelligence, his home 1000 miles away. Through emails, instant messaging, and text (with several phone calls and airplane tickets in between), we had a great go at it. But 1000 miles and a promise ring is still too close for comfort and after a year I ran in the opposite direction.
Of course during the down time were local guys, the doctor, the bodybuilder, and the coach. Great men, but I follow a different definition of love: “Love is not because of, but in spite of.” The reasons to stay in a relationship-the “because ofs”-are easy. Of course I know WHY I like you, but what about the things that I don’t like-the ”in spite ofs.” I usually can’t get over something about the guy, its these in spite ofs that I just can’t love. So I don’t.
I guess I thought that third time’s the charm because yet again, a Green Beret and a pseudo-relationship. This one can still mess with my head a year later, with those texts and emails reminding me that he thinks of me often. Thinks of me how, huh? A great kiss, a fun date, or the one who’s always going to be hanging around?
Treading Water
I don’t ever want to feel like I did that day.
There are many things that I would like to say to you,
But I don’t know how.
So I try my best and pray to God.
I don’t know what they want from me.
Well if they’d free me from this prison,
All that I can say is that I’m here now.
Man I ain’t changed, but I know I ain’t the same. May 2008
Appropriate introduction, I believe, for someone who isn’t completely sure how she got to where she is now, but she’s sure as hell that she isn’t going back! Yet, for some reason actions are repeated, mistakes remade.
The thoughts running through your head with the insistence that they be said. Too little, too late? Or a kick in the ass right when it’s needed most? I promise you then that my ass is perpetually bruised. NO! It’s going to be different this time, but it never really is, is it? A year later you are no better off than you were in the previous. Rinse and repeat.
I’m going to be 27 three months from today. In 6 weeks it will be just over 9 years since I accepted a marriage proposal, and 7 years since my supposed wedding date. In 5 months it will be 6 years since the end of the relationship. And in one year and three months I was supposed to be finished having my children. All four of them.
Where I’m at today registers more cottonmouth than the usual word vomit. Not quite single, but guarded. Not quite happy with my job, but looking. Not quite skinny, but exercising. The path from there to here as been nothing of a straight line, for life can be just as redundant as the previous phrase. Right now I’m just trying to keep my head above water.
Word Vomit
Blogging has become a way for people to say whats on their mind…somewhat anonymously, right? Hide behind the keyboard and just type away. Free therapy, I say. I’ve taken many an opportunity on other websites to vent–that neighbor with the devil dog who creeps me out, the ex-boyfriend who’s girlfriend calls me to inform ME that I was the “other woman” in their relationship, and even my well-publicized disdain for all things lovely on the 14th day of February. I’ve also used blogging to mark the most momentous occasions–the unexpected bonus from a frequent client, the genuine happiness of a weekend spent with family, or the long overdue arrival of a Christmas present.
What I have not managed to do very well is tackle a few of my own demons, one mainly that seems to shape nearly every day of my life. I tell people, I know what my issues are, I know where they came from, but I don’t know what to do with it. Even to tell the story of it’s roots has left me at a loss for words, unless I turn to someone, anyone else, for inspiration. I find the solace in the lyrics of others, a string of a few words that leaves me saying-why couldn’t I have said it that way! Classic case of running the situation over in your head for hours on end, coming up with alternate-better-ways to have handled it.
So I’ve decided to handle it in my own way. String together these random musings with the hope of getting my point across. Use someone else’s words to say what it is that I want so badly to say for myself. I’ve included these Random Lyrics somewhere else before, erasing each post to make room for the next. Most don’t even realize that its my story, my deepest desires of the heart. Those that do notice the correlation of one verse to the next, well I dedicate this to you. Take this journey with me as I strive not to outrun, but to stop, reflect, and conquer.
